Volume 43, Issue 21 | September 9, 2024

RECEDING HARELINE

Run No.	Date	Hare Apparent	On On
2300	23 September	Next Week	Moonah Hotel, Footy theme

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UP AND CUMMING

19-20 October | H5 Oktoberfest @ Bicheno
28-30 March 2025 | Aussie Nash Hash 2025, Fremantle
8-10 May 2026 | Interhash 2026, Yogyakarta, Indonesia

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RUN 2298 REPORT

Lawn bowls has a long history (just like Ratu Steady Eddie). It’s supposed to have its roots in Egypt around 3200 BC, when players used to chuck stone balls at sticks. England’s oldest bowling green has been in use since 1299 AD. Sir Francis Drake, in 1588, was reputed to be playing bowls at Plymouth when he was told that the Spanish Armada was approaching. His reputed response? ‘We still have time to finish the game and to thrash the Spaniards, too.’ He then (reputedly) finished his match, although history doesn’t record whether he won, before sailing off to thrash those naughty Spaniards.

Bowls can be described as a mysterious and ancient game, played by people old enough to know better, using balls carefully designed to go in the wrong direction. Contessa Coupla Weeks might not know much about bowls, but she knows a lot about sending Hashers in the wrong direction, as demonstrated by some anomalies between her trail instructions and the trail itself.

Contessa Coupla Weeks stood on a chair to deliver instructions for Run 2298. Torches were mandatory. (Everyone except You’re-Ruining-My-Night-Vision-ITR understood this.) The walkers’ trail was about 4kms. (Actually, the Contessa had no idea how long it was.) We would be Hashing in some virgin territory. (There were some groans as Hashers envisaged the steep and dark hills on the western side of the Channel Highway.) But don’t worry, because Coupla Weeks had obtained permission from all the landowners whose property we’d be passing through. (More on this later.) There followed a long and winding tale about the Contessa obtaining permission from one landowner – she asked the neighbor, who was allegedly good friends with the landowner, and whose wife had some friends/family in Finland who knew some Finnish Hashers, so of course the Contessa was welcome to set trail over the neighbor’s good friend’s property. Yeah, sure! Joo!

Hashers set off along Nubeena Crescent, then north along the Channel Highway. A couple of FTs toward the water initially kept the pack together. I was FRB after the first one, only to discover the second: fortunately, Organ Grinder was there to interpret my call of f#ck to mean FT. Then back to the highway until a nice little diversion which saw us scrambling up the sides of a kiddie’s slide. Back to the highway again until a circuit that led off west, toward the hills, and took us through some laneways and the promised virgin territory. Unfortunately, the bonhomie of the neighbor with the Finnish connection didn’t extend to one property owner, who indignantly wanted to know what we were doing there.

Back on the highway, we continued north until turning toward the water and cutting through the old folk’s home. Here, ITR was roundly abused by an old geezer who told him he had no right to be there as it was private property. Sonar and others reported similar harrowing experiences. Now, Contessa Coupla Weeks said she had also gained permission to go through the old folk’s home. She was told by someone who appeared to be in authority that it would be OK as we would be there in the dark; it wouldn’t have been OK in the light because the old folk would see. But at least one old geezer obviously had night vision and enough bluster to blast away at Hashers. And we must question the Contessa’s definition of gaining permission.

After escaping the dangers of the old folk’s home, we headed south toward Home, along Flinders Esplanade, through the Taroona High School, where Growler made the salient point that we still had a long way to go; the Contessa’s definition of distance might also be questionable. Then along the foreshore track, water lapping in the darkness to our left, and finally back Home – a welcome sight after close to 6kms. It was suggested to Coupla Weeks that she had taken us up every hill in Taroona (for the record, total ascent was 155 meters), but she replied that no, she’d saved that for the runners. Certainly, runners like Bee’s Dick, Emily and Dish Licker looked wrecked on their late return. It was an interesting trail – the Contessa managed to do something different in a familiar area.

Back at the Taroona Bowls Club, we enjoyed a tasty dinner of fish and chips followed by a selection of delicious cakes baked by the Contessa herself. The Lip session was delayed because Bad JM ITR stole Prawn Star’s notebook, delivering it to fence Grizzly, who hid it up his shorts. Prawn Star eventually managed to gingerly extract his notes from Grizzly’s nether regions, holding the preciousssss document with his fingertips before spraying it with sanitizer. Finally, with two Lips in attendance, we were treated to an entertaining Lip session, also enjoyed by the barman and a couple of patrons who appeared to be permanently glued to their stools in the corner of the bar. They were especially enamoured of H5 songs, the best entertainment they’d had for a long time.

Ratu Steady Eddie, would-be King of Sleaze, complained to me that the Trash isn’t sleazy enough. I wouldn’t like to disappoint the Ratu so, continuing the subject of sanitising, I’ll share an almost true story about that illustrious gentleman. Steady Eddie was approached by a woman offering him free sex if he would arrange for her cleaning product to be advertised in the Hash Trash. Steady has asked me to assure readers that of course he refused, because his morals are squeaky clean. Squeaky Spray clean! From kitchen to bathroom and in between, Squeaky Spray cleans. For balls on the green, Squeaky Spray cleans. FACT!

On! On! – Cracker

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SKOLS

• Contessa Coupla Weeks: hare
• Organ Grinder, Sonar, Next Week, Stunned Mullet, Magic Touch, Silent But Deadly: c#ntry members
• Next Week: new shoes
• Her Highness Eager and Jerky: Jerky falsely accused Her Highness of wearing new shoes, when they were bald as bald can be
• Stunned Mullet: had a hot date with Big Red (Pauline Hanson)
• Brazilian: went down on trail
• Ratu Steady Eddie: something sleazy about a new knob on his rod
• Contessa Coupla Weeks: offered to show Ratu her map of Tasmania
• Grizzly: ignored the Hare’s email about bringing a super charged torch
• Grizzly and ITR: thieving b#stards, stole the Lip’s notes and delayed the Lip session by 20 minutes
• Bee’s Dick, Dish Licker, Emily: got lost on the runners’ trail and gave the excuse that they were going too fast (and Organ Grinder was included in this skol because the Lips can’t tell him apart from Dish Licker)
• Esther: virgin
• Sir Eve (from Jerk Off): claimed that the Contessa wanted old newspapers for the vet so that the dogs could do the crosswords
• The barman [aka Should Know] and bloke at the bar: random skols
• Magic Touch: MILLSTONE: 50 runs
• Emily: NAMING: to be henceforth known as Eveready

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HASH FLASH

Link to all photos for Run 2298

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DOWN DOWN SONGS

Anyone who has experienced an H4 Circle will have experienced the boredom of endlessly repeating one song. One song only! In H5, we have a salubrious collection to choose from. Not only but also, a select few H5 Hashers have their very own Down Down songs. So LEARN them, you lazy b#####ds. So then you can SING them. LOUDLY. OFTEN.

GRIZZLY’S DOWN DOWN SONG

To the tune of Teddy Bears’ Picnic
If you go down to the Hash today you’re sure of a big surprise,
A Grizzly bear is fartin’ there ‘cause he ate all the pies,
His pants are brown, the smell makes him frown,
He is a happy, Hashin’ clown,
Today’s the day that Grizzly Bear has to down down ….

Gov’nor HONKERS’ DOWN DOWN SONG

To the tune of Dad’s Army theme song
Why do you think you are skolling Gov’na Honkers, is it something you have done?
When you blast our ears with a call of HASH HUSH!
We’ll clean your arse with a barbed wire toilet brush!
So why do you think you are skolling Gov’na Honkers? Drink it down, your time has come!

IN THE RAW’S DOWN DOWN SONG

To the tune of Geelong Cats Song
He’s In The Raw, most hated man of all.
He’s in the Raw, he’s only got one ball.
He cannot run, and that is no surprise,
‘Cos he ate all the pies!
He’s ugly as a pug, and half as smart,
And all he does is fart …

Ratu STEADY EDDIE’S DOWN DOWN SONG

To the tune of My old Man’s a Dustman
Oh, good old Steady Eddie,
He always wears a hat,
He sticks his hand upon his hip
And he dislocates his back.

Oh, when he wears a beret
He looks just like a clown.
He’s always doing something wrong
And he has to drink it down, down, down, down …

THRILL SEEKER’S DOWN DOWN SONG
To the tune of Greased Lightning
Go Thrill Seeker, he’s faster than a speeding snail,
(Thrill Seeker, go Thrill Seeker)
Go, Thrill Seeker, he shuffles over hill and dale,
(Thrill Seeker, go Thrill Seeker)
From socks of red, to wiry head,
He’s Thrill Seeker,
Go-go-go-go-go
(with syncopated clapping)
Down-down-down-down-down …

JUST KIDDING’S DOWN DOWN SONG
To the tune of the ‘Greenacres’ theme song
Just Kidding is a blonde you see,
Deep thinkn’ she says is not for me,
She just adores a beer or two,
But give her too many and she’s probably gonna spew!
Down, down, down-down-down-down-down …

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H5 MISMANAGEMENT 2024-25

Grand Master	Clearfell
Joint Masters	Bad News In The Raw
On Sec	Cracker
Hash Cash	Rigor Mortis TopDek
Hash Lips	Bee’s Dick Prawn Star
Hash Hops Assistant Hops	Thrill Seeker Ratu Steady Eddie
Trailmaster	Lord Limp
Hash Flash	Pole Dancer
Hash Horn	Big Mac Quarter Pounder
Hashet Managers	Viagra Next Week

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Contact us at hobart.h5@gmail.com

Website https://hobarthash.tripod.com/h5/