Volume 42, Issue 19 | August 28, 2023

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RECEDING HARELINE

Run No.	Date	Hare Apparent	On On
2244	11 Sep	Pole Dancer	Maypole Hotel, New Town
2245	18 Sep	Dishlicker	Royal Yacht Club of Tasmania (TBC)
2246	25 Sep	Snack Bar Gnome Memorial Run	Talbot Hotel, New Town
2247	2 Oct	Her Highness Eager	TBA
2248 2249	7 Okt 8 Okt	OKTOBERFEST	Fox and Hounds, Port Arthur

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UP AND CUMMING

2 September | Posh Hash Posh Ball @ Bellerive Yacht Club
6-8 Oktober | H5 Oktoberfest 2023 @ Fox and Hounds Hotel, Port Arthur
25 December 2023 | Christmas Day Hash
29 February 2024 | Leap Year H3 Run 8 (as set by the Phantom Hasher!)
8-10 March 2024 | Interhash 2024, Queenstown, New Zealand
28-30 March 2025 | Aussie Nash Hash 2025, Fremantle

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RUN REPORT

There was an unmistakable air of calm among the Pack, with Can’t Stop now on the other side of the world. It meant that Grassroots could walk around the bar on her 100th appearance with H5, without being mugged by the shaving cream assassin and spending the rest of the evening smelling like a Queens Head Lothario.

The Hare walked in with a pronounced limp (lɪmp) and most thought ‘this should be an easy trail’. Then Sonar let loose his attack chihuahua, Snack Bar.

After a series of legal japes – only Bee’s Dick and Magic Touch laughed – Snack Bar announced that there was a hill and a p!ss stop.

Being a former resident of that area, I knew full well what ‘a hill’ meant, and sugar coating it by announcing a p!ss stop was like tying a link of sausages around In The Raw‘s neck so that the dog will play with him.

There was a bit of trail foreplay – wandering around the industrial end of Moonah central – but once we crossed Main Road it was time to tighten the sphincter.

We could see the last of the runners ahead, searching desperately for a ‘hail Mary’ up Amy Street, but even the Catholic School seemed bereft of improbable virgins.

Lone Arranger was the first to baulk, declaring ‘f*ck you Snack Bar, and f*ck the horse you rode in on’. Bestiality aside, Gov’nor Honkers agreed and they failed to climb any higher than the equivalent of Cracker standing on a copy of Tuesday’s Mercury (with all the Harvey Norman advertisements removed).

Despite having just watched the runners ahead, Triple K and Sir Eve led virgin Dave down the same false trail, either hoping for some sort of miracle or teaching the noob to never trust a Hashman.

As we continued our climb, there were furtive glances at every cross section, hoping that the limp Hare (not His Lordship) and his comic relief showed some semblance of mercy by changing property boundaries to provide an exit strategy. It was not to be.

Even Pole Dancer was reduced to being one of those gods-awful walkers, as the gradient tipped over the 45 degrees and gravity declared ‘hold my beer’.

There was strong temptation to turn off at the bottom end of the Amy Street Reserve (it hardly mattered if you turned left or right, as long as it wasn’t ‘up’). The righteous continued on trail – all the while cursing the limp Hare (not His Lordship) and his red right hand – while the faithless took the apple on offer from the temptuous serpent, and turned left.

At the trail’s climax we paused to admire all the lights – albeit that they were flashing in front of our eyes – and took in the sound of Darth Vader slowly walking out of shot.

Did the limp Hare (not His Lordship) and his undescended left testicle add value to the climb by taking us on a wander through the more level areas of upper West Moonah? No they did not! There is a special level of Hell for Hares that set trail up a huge hill, just for the ‘fun’ of it.

The upper legs and lungs had had enough; the knees said ‘we got this’. Within a minute the knees were crying out ‘f*ck this for a joke’. It was at this point that a gaggle of walkers appeared, stage left, led by In The Raw. They had taken the apple on offer and were now enjoying a hefty slice of apple pie as they sashayed along the moderate undulations of Highfield Street, with DNR and W3 foremost in heaping sh!t on the descending martyrs.

As trail passed the house of the limp Hare’s unrequited cum stain, there was strong temptation to take a huge dump on his door step, but some of us are better than that.

Besides, the letterbox was closer.

Trail headed down the Gerrard Street Reserve, and the quality of flour markings started to wane to the point that forensic investigation was needed to separate trail from birdshit. Again, the apple dumpling gang were quick to provide ‘valuable insight’ when MOP and I overshot true trail.

After a brief loop around St Johns Avenue, trail headed back toward ‘home’, with only the location of the p!ss stop left unknown. It was at this point that I noticed that the incoherent ramblings from behind me about apples and apple-based insertions had ceased. Clearly I had again overshot trail and In The Raw had slipped into ‘Poley mode’ in an attempt to stitch me up. Well, this was not my first trip into the woods, and I was fairly certain that I could find my way to the p!ss stop. As it was, I was well into my ice cold Heineken 0.0 before the others showed up, disappointment writ large across his big ugly face.

If the limp Hare (not His Lordship) and his cankerous growth thought that they would just hang around at the p!ss stop and welcome the accolades, then they were in for a huge surprise. Let’s face it, it would take a lot more than standing around in the freezing cold supping on cold beer or Moscato to make up for that ‘one hill’!

On! On!
Grizzly

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SKOLS

• Sonar and Snack Bar – Hares.
• Viagra, DNR and Thrill Seeker – c*untry members.
• Grizzly – purported to be featured on a children’s colouring-in sheet at the pub, except the illustration was of an elephant, not a bear (ridiculous pretence to singing a revised version of the Grizzly down down song – now with fewer ‘down down down downs’).

• Grassroots – 100 Run millstone!
• Snack Bar – throwing knives at Steady Eddie.
• Bee’s Dick – dirty dancing with a skeleton over the weekend.
• Sonar – wearing a strap on.
• Thrill Seeker – finishing the complete trail.
• In The Raw, et al – Hashed the guts out of trail.
• Thrill Seeker – sexy accent (see below).
• …and other skols I forgot to write down.

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HASH FLASH

Link to all photos for Run 2242

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H5 MISMANAGEMENT 2023-24

Grand Master	Triple K
Joint Masters	Growler Sonar	0412 161 017 0488 707 068
On Sec (poxy)	Grizzly	0419 960 561
Hash Cash	Dishlicker Mother of Pearl	0408 994 427
Hash Lips	Snack Bar TicToc
Hash Hops	Contessa Coupla Weeks Sir Eve
Trailmaster	Fringe Benefits
Hash Flash	Steptoe
Hash Horn	Fallen Madonna
Hashet Manager	Viagra	0419 504 105

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To donate to Hands On‘s fundraising effort,
use the QR code above, or click this link.

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Contact us at hobart.h5@gmail.com

Website https://hobarthash.tripod.com/h5/