Volume 42, Issue 34 | December 11, 2023

RECEDING HARELINE

Run No.	Date	Hare Apparent	On On
2261	25 Dec	CHRISTMAS DAY HASH Lone Arranger & Grizzly	8:30 AM START Kingborough Hub, Kingston
2262	1 Jan	Hare required	TBA
2263	8 Jan	Hare required	TBA
2264	15 Jan	Hare required	TBA

UP AND CUMMING

25 December 2023 | Christmas Day Hash
19 January | High noon for Full Moons, Mole Creek Hotel
29 February 2024 | Leap Year H3 Run 8 (as set by the Phantom Hasher!)
8-10 March 2024 | Interhash 2024, Queenstown, New Zealand
28-30 March 2025 | Aussie Nash Hash 2025, Fremantle

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RUN REPORT

I didn’t do the trail.

By the time the Hash Cashiers had extracted funds from the late payers and I had secured Her Highness Eager‘s and Rigor Mortis‘ bounty of promissory notes and pouch of coppers against opportunistic ne’er-do-wells, the Pack was almost out of sight. Even Steady Eddie.

I’ve been meaning to get my eyes checked.

Okay, not the first time I’ve had to chase down the Pack over the past couple of years. I took a few steps and one of my knees said ‘Who do you think you are? Can’t Stop?’

You can’t argue with knees, so I decided to take one.

Thrill Seeker charged past and gave me a look that said ‘comb on Yukon dirt’, but I can’t interpret his looks any better than I can comprehend his spoken word.

Perhaps I could sneak an early ale? No, Sir Eve had wisely secured the Hops against the same opportunistic ne’er-do-wells. Which obviously included me at this stage.

Across the Bay I could see Gal Gadot and Ryan Reynolds bounding along Windemere Track. Short Hared Assistant Eager said that it was Sugar Babe and Dishlicker. I think Eager needs her eyes checked too.

Soon afterwards the runners congealed. Either they’d lost trail or they were still waiting for the Strava satellite to sync. Eventually they moved on, perhaps because they were being followed by what looked from a distance to be a pack of zombies. After a moment’s reflection I decided that they weren’t zombies because there weren’t enough brains among the runners to attract them, so it must have been the walkers.

Fifteen minutes later I could see Steady Eddie head along the track. Optometrist appointment cancelled.

I went back to the sheltered workshop and picked at the scant remains of DNR‘s platter, all the while being stared down by an 80s new wave band. After a while I could make out what they were squawking – ‘Where’s Bee’s Dick‘s meat?’

Despite the sunshine, I was being chilled by a wind that made lazy breezes look like they were workaholics. I longingly looked over at a spot where the Firemaster 5000 would have been, but it wasn’t. I looked over at Next Week‘s ute and only saw an empty tray and p!ss-stained wheel. I hunkered down and waited for Gadot.

Runners had been sent up the old tramway toward Cadbury’s, before turning for home and back along Pole Dancer‘s nemesis – the bike track. The return journey included a long, unplanned false trail toward Claremont College. The trail aspect was planned, but when Just Kidding arrived at the end of the road she saw that the College gates were locked and found herself false trailed.

There was some confusion at trail’s end, with MOP, Fringe Benefits and DNR striding very purposefully toward the toilet block, despite my best efforts to guide them in. Perhaps they were following 80s new wave band sh!t thinking it was trail. Gispert knows that there was plenty of it to follow.

With Mr Bean, Miss Bling and even Incumming all back within the hour, it was clearly a marked well trail. (Your homework is to assemble those words in order. Any order, I’m not a f*cking school teacher.) Well done Just Kidding – your job as Glenorchy cat herder is secure.

With no Charmaster 3000 on duty, we were left with throwing our plant-based steaks on the barbecue. Gov’nor Honkers was most distraught, having sold a kidney (second hand but in reasonable nick, considering) to buy some lamb loin chops, and was just not going to achieve the crispy ‘tails’ he’d been dreaming of this past hour. At least the blonde Hare remembered the bread.

Hashers were largely respectful of the new sorting regime, with only a few crown seals swimming among the recycling slops. Less understandable was the placement of the rubbish tub right next to the Council-provided bin. Perhaps Viagra didn’t want to confuse Snack Bar with only one tub out and proud.

In The Raw posed a question – ‘If I’m doing so much exercise, why am I putting on weight?’ I think that’s what he said – I couldn’t quite understand as his mouth was full of his third scone with jam and cream, courtesy of Grassroots and the H5 auxiliary.

(In The Raw wanted me to write ‘H5 women’s auxiliary’ but I’m not a sexist pig, like he is.)

(Grassroots wanted me to write ‘sexist pig’, so I did.)

The chill being experienced was colder than the look I get when I wrap Lone Arranger‘s birthday gift in Christmas wrapping paper, so there was a coup to bring the circle to a swift close. When I write ‘coup’, I really mean that the Lips had clocked off and, like dud sex, we took matters into our own hands and finished off for them.

On On
Grizzly

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SKOLS

• Just Kidding – Hare.
• Steady Eddie and Can’t Stop – far queue dodgers.
• Snack Bar – taking the long way ’round so that he could defrost his steak on the dashboard of the ute.
• Just Kidding – needs sewing lessons from Steady Eddie.
• Next Week – getting a lump of coal for Christmas for not bringing the Firemaster 5000.
• Fringe Benefits – 50 Runs.
• Quarter Pounder – 25 Runs.

• Magic Touch – far cough yak hunt to the US of A.
• Growler – has a new gash.
• Cracker – taking over from TicToc as H5’s sausage size queen.
• Can’t Stop – presented with a shower chair ahead of his bionic knee implant. (Rudely turned down Thrill Seeker’s offer of daily sponge baths.)
• Growler, Incumming, MOP and Thrill Seeker – country members.
• Her Highness Eager – unholy miracle – turning beer into ice cream.
• …and other skols I forgot to write down. Many other skols.

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HASH FLASH

Link to all photos for Run 2259

H5 MISMANAGEMENT 2023-24

Grand Master	Triple-K
Joint Masters	Growler Sonar	0412 161 017 0488 707 068
On Sec (poxy)	Grizzly	0419 960 561
Hash Cash	Dishlicker Mother of Pearl	0408 994 427
Hash Lips	Snack Bar TicToc
Hash Hops	Contessa Coupla Weeks Sir Eve
Trailmaster	Fringe Benefits
Hash Flash	Steptoe
Hash Horn	Fallen Madonna
Hashet Manager	Viagra	0419 504 105

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Contact us at hobart.h5@gmail.com

Website https://hobarthash.tripod.com/h5/