Volume 42, Issue 26 | October 16, 2023

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RECEDING HARELINE

Run No.	Date	Hare Apparent	On On
2253	30 Oct	Miss Bling and Mr Bean Halloween theme	TBA
2254	6 Nov	Combined Clubs Charity Run	Royal Yacht Club
2255	13 Nov	Hands On	Seven Mile Beach
2256	20 Nov	Hare needed	TBA

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UP AND CUMMING

25 December 2023 | Christmas Day Hash
29 February 2024 | Leap Year H3 Run 8 (as set by the Phantom Hasher!)
8-10 March 2024 | Interhash 2024, Queenstown, New Zealand
28-30 March 2025 | Aussie Nash Hash 2025, Fremantle

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RUN REPORT

There is a fair amount of preparation involved in getting to the Hash.

On time.

Go through an expanding collection of Hash tee shirts to work out which one is clean* and still fits. Check the records for millstones and retrieve the required badges, make sure that the white square that isn’t a Square has enough power to syphon funds from the unwilling, grab a warm jacket and throw the fully-equipped Hash bag into the car. Glance at the rain jacket, then glance at the sky. Leave the rain jacket hanging up because… well… you know. Hop in the car and take off down the drive.

Go back up the drive and race inside because you forgot the barbecue meat.

* If you know of Lone Arranger, you know that this part is pure fiction

Hash gear for this run included my trail shoes, which would be far more stable while careening across the slopes of Knocklofty.

Or so I thought.

I was early enough to witness the intricate foreplay of car and trailer, as Next Week caressed Vyvyan PF into prime position, then offloaded the FireMaster 5000. The Bunsen burner-type ignition source was enhanced by a blow job from Sir Eve, with spectacular results.

Magic Touch has finally got the hang of arriving early enough, and put the extra time to good use by performing a community service. (Little kiddies were being stopped from going down a wet slide, so Magic Touch put her arse on the line and made the slide drier than a ninety-year-old nun.)

At the appointed time, virgin Hare Gingernuts went to give the chalk talk, but was brusquely swept aside by Arsecutter in what appeared to be a sickening display of alpha male syndrome, but was in reality a clever ploy to deflect any potential criticism.

Did it work? Read on…

As anticipated, trail started with a climb up ‘those stairs’, then up toward the anticipated Knocklofty environs. I started well behind – having to secure the $12 in cash that Her Highness Eager left me – and was unsurpised to find Gov’nor Honkers making a strategic withdrawal.

“Those hills are not for me” he said, which was his polite way of saying ‘f*ck the Hares, and f*ck the fcking horses they f*cking rode in on’.

What a potty-mouth.

I scanned the hills ahead for signs of movement, and saw none. Then I scanned for inperceptable movement, also known as Thrill Seeker, and saw none. Passing strange.

Then to my left I heard Sir Eve barking out orders, marshalling the walkers to find trail for him, before turning heel away from Knocklofty. What witchcraft is this?

I waited to see if they had been foiled by clever trail misdirection, but no. Down the hill, then back up stairs to almost meet back up on the out trail. How would we get to Knocklofty from here?

Hint – we didn’t. Trail headed down a series of stairs and lanes. Then down a series of lanes and stairs, then finally down a series of stairs and lanes. It was at this stage I realised than my trail shoes were about as useful as Vaseline on a weights bar, but only half as grippy.

I caught up with Grassroots and Cracker, who were either taking in the view or planning the best spot to Hash back to the Eskys. I suspected the latter.

The remainder of the walking Pack were still heading down stairs and down lanes.

After crossing Augsuta Road I could see the front runners heading my way and thought ‘surely they saw me heading down yet another set of stairs’.

Large. Dressed in bright orange. Hard to miss.

Clearly running faster than the speed of thought, they didn’t see me, didn’t see the arrows pointing over the road and blythly continued west. Finally Lord Limp – the bright one in the group* – worked out that they were no longer on trail and back-tracked.

* not really a compliment

Still well behind the walkers’ Pack, I kept an eye and ear out for Hashers. (My spleen wanted in on the action too, but some things have to stay in their own lane.) This soon paid dividends, as a brace of Dicks spurted out of a laneway just a couple of hundred metres to my right. I was back in the game! Then, like virile sperm realising that they’ve come in the wrong door, they retreated back up the same path and I was again last.

Last-ish, as it would turn out.

Trail hit Carlton Street and went right. Away from the on-on. One glance at the watch, a second glance up at Knocklofty. Turn left.

I finally caught up with Next Week and MOP, with Next Week filling in for Steady Eddie by providing a house-by-house history of post-Colonial New Town. The front runners made another run-by, with Sugar Babe bemoaning the ghosts of Hash trails past*.

* A Hare from a different club had set trail using cornice cement.

It remains as a permanent trail. Just not a very good one.

Once we hit Giblin Street there was only one thing to do. Check the Uber app.

Okay, so there were two things; check the Uber app, then put your head down and arse up. I have on ocassion had to drive In The Raw‘s more boisterous twin brother ‘Gary’ up this road and thought that we may be having a p!ss stop at his place, where we could oggle at his Great Wall and other far less imposing erections. Not to be, we carried on for another 100m to find the Hares and the Eskys, in reverse order of importance.

WARNING: Editorial content ahead!

I have banged on so many times about the futility of a p!ss stop on runs where the post-trail beverages are supplied by the club. So why break the habit of a lifetime?

Because you should always reasses your views, rather than accept the status quo.

I noticed a different group dynamic at the p!ss stop. Hashers move around a lot more at a p!ss stop than back at the on-on, and are more likely to engage with different groups of Hashers. As a largely anti-social person I find this to be quite distressing, but I’m ‘special’. Everyone else seems to be of good cheer.

Still not a fan, but I can see a benefit.

So, do we rip into Arsecutter, or do we shower the virgin Hare Gingernuts with plaudits? It’s probably somewhere in the middle. It wasn’t exactly the ‘bush’ trail we expect during daylight savings, but there were paths not previously taken, it was well planned and well executed (even if Arsecutter had to re-lay trail). Let’s face it, we’ve had much worse from more experienced Hashers, so well done Gingernuts.

As the PS was being packed up it was realised that Thrill Seeker had not arrived. This was hardly unexpected, as Thrill Seeker has ‘form’. Then it was realised that Magic Touch had also not arrived.

It should be noted that Magic Touch also has form. Just different form.

A phone call check-in went straight to voice mail, followed by general murmurings of ‘she’ll be right’ and ‘she’s a big girl’, before a shrug of the shoulders and one final climb to the warmth of the FireMaster 5000.

We arrived at the on-on to find locals converging with reports of a poor woman wandering the streets, the Wespac Rescue Helicopter hovering overhead and SES tracker dogs trying to sniff Big Mac‘s quarter pounder. Amongst the chaos, into the car park gides a silver taxi, depositing Magic Touch.

In the post-Hash afterglow of a good fire – with a beverage in hand and a few in the tank – talk turned philosophical. In The Raw intoned that, in the none-too-distant future, he expects a foreign power (certainly not the Chinese*) to shut down all of our electronic devices as part of an electronic armageddon, and offered the mighty Magna as a retro-fitted battle wagon.

* 北京监控中心的好朋友们大家好!

Just another week at Hash.

On! On!
Grizzly

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SKOLS

• Gingernuts and Arsecutter – Hare and Hare Assist.
• Thrill Seeker – shortcut trail but was still last. Almost.
• Magic Touch – auto-Hashing. Got lost enough for locals to form a search party. Caught taxi back to the On-On.
• Grassroots – also short cut, but with bedside information. (Gingernuts?)
• Lord Limp – new shoes. Won’t be the last skol as he buys multiple pairs at the one time. The Imelda Marcos of H5.
• Sugar Babe – takes dog Charlie on trail so that he can pull her up hills.
• Sugar Babe – 50 Run millstone!
• Mother of Pearl and Cracker – lost property.
• Thrill Seeker – FRB jacket holder. (Wot?!?)
• Sir Eve – gave the FireMaster 5000 a blow job. Stuck it in too far and his tip got hot.
• Cracker – one of the ‘new poor’. Has a new car – paid in cash from the cache under her bed. (Obviously a big fan of Malcom Fraser.)
• Brazilian – having a joint on Thursday – may be ‘legless’ for a while.
• Magic Touch – went down the slide after it had been raining most of the afternoon. Must have enjoyed it because she got really moist.
• …and other skols I forgot to write down.

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HASH FLASH

Link to all photos for Run 2251

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H5 MISMANAGEMENT 2023-24

Grand Master	Triple-K
Joint Masters	Growler Sonar	0412 161 017 0488 707 068
On Sec (poxy)	Grizzly	0419 960 561
Hash Cash	Dishlicker Mother of Pearl	0408 994 427
Hash Lips	Snack Bar TicToc
Hash Hops	Contessa Coupla Weeks Sir Eve
Trailmaster	Fringe Benefits
Hash Flash	Steptoe
Hash Horn	Fallen Madonna
Hashet Manager	Viagra	0419 504 105

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Contact us at hobart.h5@gmail.com

Website https://hobarthash.tripod.com/h5/